Many parents universally cherish and are thrilled to see their children grow to become independent adults. Nonetheless, this can be a bit embarrassing if they pop in unannounced. The other day, one mom even posted to a social media site after it happened to her. She told of the strange feeling when her son entered with his key as she stood in her nightgown. Is it asking too much that they give you a little warning before coming in? Let’s look at typical family interactions.
A Typical Scenario
Mom stays in the same town as the son. He just, always, surprises her with visits. This evening in particular, he had let himself in with his key, and there she was, relaxed in her night clothes, feeling quite uneasy. She loves him, loves having him come over but needs some notice! Is that asking too much? Or is this what families just accept: Surprise drop-ins?
She posted her question on a forum because she just wanted to know what people thought. A whole bunch of ‘stories of their own’; some said they love it when their adult kids come over anytime, while some others said it’s polite to check first. The mom mentioned to her, “I’m switching the locks if this doesn’t change.”
Balancing Love and Privacy
Family ties are very close, but with the growing up of children, comes the wisdom that lines need to be drawn. Both parents, and grown kids need their space. As a result, unexpected visits will catch you with your pants down so to speak or doing something else. A quick call would easily correct this. It shows consideration for each others’ privacy.
They come by around dinner time. I keep the door unlocked and enjoy it. It’s a habit, that is when our boy was at that age. But now they are of the opinion that parents also deserve their privacy. Talk to the son about it.
I call before going to my parent’s house. They are far away now; it makes sense to check. When thy were nearby, they just popped by. But I think a key in a pot outside is fine for emergencies.
Not to step uninvited, supposedly. They ring the bell with a key. Ditto for parents. Everybody’s got their rules. If it annoys you, say so.
Changing Family Customs
A narrative on: family customs alter with time. Houses are opened when kids are small but one has to live on their creation. Rules can help them avoid it out.
In many cases, adult children keep regarding their parents’ house as “home.” They often forget that their parents also have routines. A simple conversation will easily clear this up. You can say that you love visits but would rather be a bit forewarned about it.
Experts maintain that it is communication that holds families closer to one another by not allowing minor issues to grow. So, if you are a parent in such a situation, do give the following tips a try.
5 Core Tips for Handling Surprise Visits from Adult Children
- DIALOGUE: Talk to them about talking about your feelings. “I” statements: “I feel uncomfortable when surprised.” This doesn’t blame you.
- Be clear on the rules: Decide on how, when visits will be paid. Maybe a text 30 minutes before, or ring the doorbell instead of just using the key.
- Respect their privacy: Remind them, you’re an adult as well. You may need to rest, or have other plans kept. Boundaries make better relationships.
- Suggest meeting up regularly: Over one of the dinner times during a week, for example, so it won’t come as a surprise at the last minute.
- If it comes to that: Key needs to be returned or locks re-changed. It is your home.
This can make life flow a little more smoothly. Lots of families go through this. If it is bugging you, know that you are not alone.
Different Views from Families
Others, on the other hand, like the open doors. A forum user shared that their step kids pop in often. It feels warm and fun. Not your cup of tea? That’s perfectly fine, too.
Another way of expressing this is: “I text before I come. It’s common courtesy. I wouldn’t want somebody just showing up at my place.”
Living near makes pop-ins doable but distance warps the concept. If you live far away, planning is a must.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, this is all about your family. If that works for surprise visits, all well and good, if not, set the boundaries. Just a little notice goes such a long way. Parents raised you to become independent. Maybe you should be allowing the parents some independence too – if you trust them; not free reign.
Once you’ve decided to start with, have a polite conversation. Most adult children will comprehend. They also choose the visits to be good.
Family life is dynamic what worked before may not now make adjustments as maybe necessary.
It’s a general problem in many household’s reads on shared stories over the internet teaches us this. You learn from other people.
Love does not, however mean no rules. It is within these boundaries that stronger bonds are forged.
So the mom’s not wrong to want an alert. It’s all about comfort and respect. Talk it out as a win-win.
